just read through the bio notes once, now my mind is swarming with polymerases and deoxyribonucleic acid and enzymes. think i'm going crazy, someone, help!

R

You are restricted. Well done, you're now
practically adult in nature, and plus, you
get to see nudity - have fun.

"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.

my request to join open house team was turned down flat. reason? i failed three out of four subjects for my common test. sure i really deserve it but still i feel that six hours taken away from my remaining hours is not enough to kill me in my promos. not going to listen to him, going to turn up for the briefing as usual... shall panic when he finds out. =P teachers day celebration was one of the best i've sat through in the past ten years of my academic life. for the first time it is touching, and the visit back to my secondary sch certainly is a close to nostalgic experience. mrs albar, in one of the rare occasions, encouraged us and told us that all will be fine ultimately.. in contrary to her usual stinging comments that will jolt even the most nuah guy awake into reality. then.. played soccer in our old classroom. played cards where i enjoyed building my own small kingdom (being the king for a few games of asshole.. oh man, the goodness of being the winner). stripped off my royalty the moment we decided not to play anymore. after lunch a few of us went great world city. some watched xxx, those who already had , including me, made do with lilo and stitch. sure it's a funny show but just isn't my cup of tea =)

been quite some time since i had a bad dream. was trying to study yesterday, and due to lack of sleep i fell asleep at 9 plus, and woke up at 10 when my dad was trying to switch off the light in my room. struggled to stay awake, and do some tutorial, and got pretty pissed off. read the complex no. notes five times and still unable to complete a single question in the tutorial. at 3 a.m. i give up, and retired. and you know you'll think of silly things when you're alone at night in your room, and not in your right state of mind. i was thinking of how stupid i was and indulging in self-pity and self-hatred as well. fell asleep.. dreamt that i was one of the few who retained this year. asked around and got the same reply that i deserved it- nobody asked me to play so much. i realised all my mud friends had deleted their character and i was all alone in the server with only a few other people online killing monsters. the last feeling i would want to have is the feeling of isolation and that was the exact feeling i had in that dream. depressed, i committed suicide. woke up wanting to cry, but reality dawned on me that it was only a dream. i sobered up and went to school. not that school has been any better today. realised that i forgot to do my math re-re-test. (i failed the test and the re-test). told her that i forgot about it. i guess she had already given up on me when she told me that she is going to forget about me from today onward. normally i would simply shrug off it as a casual remark, but today's different. not when i had such a queer dream the night before. was hoping that chem prac would cheer me up. couldnt understand the chem wksheet.. played cs in the lab, was languishing behind all the other players. ok if i don't storm the front and stick with my team maybe my frags would be higher. but i wouldnt buy that. not when i had such a depressing dream the night before. once again i ask myself what is my purpose for existing. i guess i had not been myself. not since i slept at 2.30, 4, 12, 3 this week. i'm consoling myself now, lack of sleep causes mood swings, i'll get over it. i hope...

on the dreaded streets of the forsaken, my dying soul lay helplessly trapped between the concrete rubble. yet trouble refuses to give up. it found me screaming pitifully and claiming that i deserve my current fate, resumed its maniacal assault on me. once again, i was stabbed, raped, tortured, slashed, hacked, and now deprived of energy of any sort, i have to use my remaining ounce of strength to struggle my way toward the exit seeming so infinitely far from me, before i can be recognised, acknowledged, and cured. i'm bleeding profusely, and come 39 days, if i do not leave this condemned place for good, i will bleed. to death.

returned home after watching unfaithful... a provocative and steamy film about a woman cheating on her husband after eleven years of marital bliss. nudity and sex scenes aside, unfaithful carries a very strong message against infidelity, and i must say it is very successful in conveying it to the audience. the show starts off with the portrayal of a seemingly normal family, consisting of a happily married couple with a young son, but when the wife runs into a stranger on a street in soho, thats when the erotic affair between the two starts, with an unforseen aftermath. the tragic ending of the ill-fated family is hauntingly disturbing. scenes which reveal her husband's concern about her despite her disloyalty serve to enhance the atmosphere of this depressing tale. i feel sorry most for the young son, who is totally oblivious of the mess the family is in, and will find his life changing drastically in the near future, to his disadvantage. there goes my weekend..

you know it only breaks my heart to see you standing in the dark alone, waiting for me to come back... i can only take so much.. these tears are turning me to rust, i know you're waiting for me to come back, but i'm too afraid to show. if its coming over you, like you're coming over me, crashing like a tidalwave that drags me out to sea. i wanna be with you, if you wanna be with me. crashing like a tidalwave.. i don't wanna be stranded. but i'm too afraid to show. "stranded - jennifer paige"

infinitely times more dangerous than the enemy without is surely the enemy within. open up your heart, and you will come across heinous things that makes you question if it is part of you at all. smutty vile poisonous matter oozes in every single segment,all spawned from various unknown sources. toxic chemicals that clouds your brains and thoughts, morphing you into someone, or something cadeverous, destroying you eventually. prevention is not a solution; we need antibodies. i've taken, unfortunately the hard way, antibiotics to cure my penchant for procrastination. now i need anti-sleeping pills.

why do people even pursue fashion-it causes them to lose their identity, and forget who they really are. dreamin of an ideal world in which everyone frees himself from the tyranny of retailers. and my ipw wouldn't be so tough to complete.

i'm not human. if anything, i'm most probably some alien creature who got bored and wandered away from my parents care and got lost in this planet and couldnt return. that is not exactly true. i'm too old to still be taken cared of. in fact i'm actually from some star faraway where organisms behave in a unique way that is way beyond what you can imagine. i'm a spy who tries to conceal my secret identity. people suspect, none bothered to investigate. yet today someone discovers it. i've to escape back to my star. leave or die. i don't want to die. that should figure. are you happy now?

said something wrong today.. was told that i obviously had not died before. ironically i died today at 8.50 a.m. crushed, beaten, gang-raped, tortured, severely whacked, what have you. -_-

bored. hence the decision to post a second article of the day.. to crap around more. skipped training today. perhaps i've never mentioned it but fencing training sucks to say the least, with coaches who don't regard me as existence in their lop-sided little world and leaving me behind. to rot or to survive, that's up to me. what's with the thought of surviving in this choppy ocean when i'm not even thrown a lifeboat? .... ... the coaching fee stays in my wallet. ok its unethical to blame others when i jolly well know that the likes of my posture skills need serious improvement. but still sparse trainings which goes on a mere two times a week doesn't help much, if at all. not that i have the time to go for extra trainings like many others. but i promise i will after the promos. have to do justice to myself, i realised. felt like an idiot today. ok correction felt like myself today. was happily jotting down my academic achievements in the sat registration form when the realization that i have not enough money dawned on me. what the hell, and i spent a huge portion of my afternoon writing down on that stupid form which later ended up crumpled and thrown away. just like my life. reached home goddamned early today (5 plus) nothing to do.. nothing to play on computer. everyone's busy with the chem test tomorrow to be online in mud, and my system is too retarded to run sophisticated warcraft. i feel dominated. without my comp the remains of whatever that's left of my life will decay away, leaving behind nothing. should've gone to watch ifg. and speaking of chem test. can't study, lent my notes to rika for photocopying and haven't got it back. and please i'd rather be screwed (by umm a dog) than to even touch the venomous shit ionic equilibria notes in which i can't fathom 99 percent of it. ok so there's still chemical equilibria but forgive me i've been trying to rid of it the past few days but in vain. now i'm stuck with this shit and left with no excuse not to study... ok, laters. =P jus something personal..... read the essay zp has written. realised that he's a very sentimental person who values friendship a lot. thanks for the dedication and effort.. quite touching, minus the mush. =) you're a great guy (if ure reading this) and damn funny and all the girls i suppose find you a nice guy. what's best in you is that you do not practice the socalled caste system many people do,... you accept the goodness in everyone and overlook what sucks in them (lucky me) and yea you do not classify people into the upper class or lower class or the like. this rare characteristic, really is, what i think, a combination of courage, tolerance, appreciation and empathy and many others... the precious element any true friend should really possess, yet so hard to find in many others.

dear friend, times have changed. its not the world where people talk about you all the time. it's not the world where you have a place to stand. it's still a good place. i guess... one should change with the world too. it's silly, when one, without hesitation, commits such acts of immaturity and nuisance it's revolting, when one indulges in his sweet pleasant planet, proud of being different, proud of being amusing. it's appalling when one never seems to break out of it. and trouble approaches, as it always does, one has no choice but to blame those superficial thoughts, that has but struck his mind a few times.. which is enough to drive him, without thinking, wild and crazy. one has no choice, but to curse those thoughts. "Get lost then!! ... you're evil."

too much is not enough, no one said this stuff makes any sense, we're hooked again. the point of no return, see how the buildings burn, such a pretty sight. get closer to the thrill, and only time can kill. it's in your eyes.. it's so alive. adrenaline keeps me in the game, adrenaline, you don't even feel the pain. wilder than the wildest dreams. you're going to extremes. taste some adrenaline. (you don't feel the pain.)

woo after a long absence.. still nothing much to update watched xxx yesterday.. not too bad, just that the ending and the beginning ruins the whole thing. its soundtrack is super nice though, go get "Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline" ok time to do homework.

shit... slipped and fell off the train

a day wasted. wun be doing much today (as in constructive stuff) day ended at arnd 4.. one of the earliest days of the week.. then rushed straight to dentist. damn it i was freaking late for fifteen minutes and he skipped my turn and tended to the next one.. which was a fucking long case lar wah lau. nurse told me to wait for one hour... walked in orchard, saw no one, went back to dentist, decided not to waste my time and took out my physics notes. got stuck at stationary waves and superposition. (what the fuck is tt?) now i have to wear rubber bands.. looked like a freak (well i already do) and then later must do ipw stuff.. whole day wasted. screw ipw.. i wonder when will them wake up their idea and be aware of the fact the ipw is no help at all. doesn't improve our creativity, doesn't improve our project skills (c'mon i smoked past most of the surveys i'm doing, and i believe many others too) and pls lor, reduction in syllabus, to include the ipw, to train us into thinkers.. how far-fetched can ppl get.. *shakes head* in the end, we're the ones who die. ok, made a resolution must start studying today. every moment spent on computer shall be compensated with my slepeing time. still i feel that my studying rate is like almost absolute zero. like yesterda.. wanted to spend e whole day studying. went out for tuition, then went out with my fren to shop, then went home watched austin powers, then mudded, then watch yi tian tu long, then mudded, then talked rubbish with qx (i know tts damn gay)_.. when the clock struck one, i knew i had to use my remaining ounce of energy to finish up my belated physix prac. by two, i swear i could fall asleep standing, and i din finish it. -_- in my life, coincidences abound. juz today went home with qx on the mrt, and met ahmad later. both asked me the same question; whether they shld sleep when they reach home, or play game; both told me that if they dun sleep they'll be unable to study later, but the game proves too addictive; both slept at two last night. must start studying, seeing that everyone arnd me is in an emergencyh mood already, sigh, now i've finally gotten hold of this fast-moving train, i've to try to stay on it. if i fall, i know the train wun stop and wait for me, i'll be left behind, rotting away and dying. i'm keeping steady, so far no beautiful scenery arnd me tempting me to jump off the train to view. my warcraft 3 can't work (whew--- seeing the number of ppl hooked onto it) and mud isn't tt interesting already..

no one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes no one knows what it's like to be hated to be fated to be telling only lies no one knows what it's like to feel these feelings like I do and I blame you when my fist clenches, crack it open before I use it and lose my cool when I smile, tell me some bad news before I laugh and act like a fool but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is sadness that's never free.

training today was one of the most productive ones i've had since start of this yr. jiao lian gave me back my weapon, polished, wired up, with a new weapon tip... used it just now.. its perfect! sigh, if only i had received my plastron, i wouldnt have suffered so many injuries. i fenced with one layer of suit on my body which is close to suicide lar.got hit in every possible parts. scratches all over. it still hurts now. thot i'll have a pleasant day today, last gathering before joel ong leaves again. thing is, he isn't even going. i guess from now on i'll have to talk to him online again... until prolly end of yr when he returns for ns. by then he should be super fit already cuz he said he's training hard for national service. bowled again today. another disaster. but this time round i'm pissed. but not with teh results. you know, people who just come unexpectedly and spoil your day. and the person is supposed to be my best friend in p school. its not exactly a very pleasant experience to lose your cool in front of the whole crowd, seems that he is bent on making me lose it though. i guess he succeeded. hmm dunno what the ppl there think. my online spouse, edward, etc. -_- tts why i left early, tts why i'm at home now. grrrrrrr. now supposed to be watching goldmember. had to cancel it, just wish to stay at home and reflect on what has happened. i dun usually get pissed off but this time he's really too much. fuck man, tomorrow i'll still be seeing him, how appropriate. -_- aye, bad days do come, this is probably one of the few bad days this yr. still i got something to rejoice, at least my frens stood by me. really grateful, thanks ppl =) maybe its fated tt i shld reach home so early and miss the movie. now i got time to do my chua which is due tomor morning. actually i was intending to do it after the show, which is arnd 12 lar. ok had had enough of whining =) feel slightly better now. but basically tts all that happened today. good night and sweet dreams

had a rather exhausting day. national day program in school was, honestly, a waste of time. granted it was well planned, but the breakfast part was irritating. zp and me walked round the whole school once, and guess what it beats staying in the hall cuz there's no one to talk to save for a few, and its freakinggggggggg hotttttttttttt. after the whole thing, had a messy time trying to decide what to do. didn't know which group to follow, to do what, and my final decision to watch signs at lido was thwarted by the long crowd there. impossible to buy any tickets lar. then had a quick lunch, before going to ps, hoping that the crowd there is shorter. man, the moment i reach there i realised that i shouldve joined qingxiang and his frens to clementi instead. seems that all the jc guys are concentrated in this middle part of our country. super super crowded. but come to think of it, its not such a bad thing after all. those who have watched the show condemned it to be the worst they have seen this season. ended up hanging arnd in the arcade, and chilling in the cafe cartel, where we drank the worst coffee (it was unanimous), because it was real coffee we're drinking, and not some nescafe cool drink on sale at the canteen, which is more appropriate to be classified as sugary milk drink. =P speaking of fate. when i had spent all my money on lunch, arcade, cafe cartel *glares at isaac* and the like, was lamenting on how little money i have left when i met my cj friend who without questions gave me a ten dollar note. and not only that, after spending it all on bowling, was commenting that i would relaly like to bowl again and of all ppl i met my form teacher at the bowling complex. shameless i was, i received another fifteen bucks from him. hahahahaaa, speaking of fate. but bowling was a disaster. choose not to comment, except that it just proves the point that practice makes perfect is not true for all cases. while i'm frustrated with this horrid state i'm in, i'm really grateful to those friends who do not mind my "handicap" and instead encourage me.. thanks guys you make my day =) think i offended quite some ppl today, esp timothy. supposed to go his houise today, but told him i got curfew. lame excuse ain't it. ok but its partly true. my parents saying "u must reach home by eight" is like teachers telling us "u must tuck in shirt". not following it is the norm, and my parents will never be pissed if i reach home at midnight. but just that i'm bloody tired lor... must go home and rest... slept at two odd last night... really sorry timothy. i tink he figures out tt my curfew was just a reason to avoid his party... feel really bad. finally hope that everyone has a great weekend ahead, before the dreaded money approaches us. hope zp has a great time with his family in malaca, hope zy has a memorable and pleasant experience on saturday =) hope kai enjoys himself at the chalet. feeling a little annoyed right now. fuck this blog man. i wrote a much longer account just now and the moment i clicked the publish button, the server became down, and all my writings were gone. and its not the first time. have to write all over again. if it fucking happens again, i'll be fucking damned. =P wish.. to.. sing If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all OK And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful And useless in times like these I won't be made useless I won't be idle with despair I will gather myself around my faith For light does the darkness most fear Poverty stole your golden shoes It didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me But I knew it wasn't ever after We'll fight, not out of spite For someone must stand up for what's right 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice There ours shall go singing My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own I am never broken In the end only kindness matters ("hands" by jewel)

yea its national day, meaning no studies today, its such a rare occasion, to have a long break ever since chinese new year, and the feeling's almost like finding a small oasis after trudging in the hot desert sands for sooo long. don't think any such great days exist in any near future.. when i try to see the future i end up seeing my promos, and the fear of me flunking it arises. hey theres a possibility for tt to happen k, if i continue studying the way i study for common tests. i'm still quite slack now, started a bit on remainder and factor theorem yesterday til 2 plus at night, only to find out tt the damn chapter is not in the syllabus. feeling abit lethargic.. and its only seven in the morning! still have a loooong day awaiting me, but well, activities today don't require energy. my fren had a piece of good news for me, his stead's family sort of screwed up the application form to go overseas. haha, wish him good luck that they will stay here instead. hope today's a good day for me. -_-

.ok, thus begin the first chapter of my online novel feelin' bored, and have a couple of frens doing this stuff, so thought i'd try it out too. not thinking i'll be updating very frequently though, been really busy and such and don't get the wrong idea that i'm one who lives life like there's no tomor. no, jc life is no life, at least for me what a weird point of time to start a new blog, when exams are just crouching in the near corner (56 days to be exact) and instead of reading all my notes here i am, writing, as if i got no better things to do gotta start studying, gotta start mugging, gotta shove all my distractions (not much actually) aside, if only mud exists physically, i couldve chucked down the bin. have been telling myself to start mugging since two wks ago, but well distractions exist. dramafeste have been robbing me of my time, and i'm too paranoid abt the pestas (fencing competition) to concentrate. hmm lost miserably, still its good experience tho. now its two very heavy loads off my back. no more worries, in fact i shld be glad that a perfect week is coming my way (yesterday ariff wasn't around for our ipw.. slept th whole period through) today no fencing training, tomorrow we're having a non-academic day in sch in commeration of our nation's birthday. friday's a holiday as well. great weeks are hard to come by. must make full use of it. feel sorry for my fren, whose stead is migrating overseas, for a few years. hmm, he seems sad compared to his usual crappy mood, and i feel sorry for not being able to comfort him. i'm not good with words. oh man, can't imagine how he's feeling right now, cuz i won't have this experience ever i'm sure of it. tried to imagine life without my mom. 'sterrible. ok, i can say i've felt close to what he feels. i myself am feeling down these days, for some unconceivable reason. hmm. if everyone lives in this world for a purpose, i can confidently and easily name a few of such purposes for my frens around me. but what about me?*scratches head* i am still searching in vain. is my life that empty? i hope not, and i've been trying not to make it so. maybe tt's the reason i'm sad. what is my life about, what is life about? how do you define success, if being successful in life means fulfilling your purpose. i dunno, but my definition of success certainly does not apply to me. ok i'm just crapping, just one of the many mood swings i have. still feel sorry for my fren who has just a few days left to spend with her. good thing she's returning to take her os though, by that time promos shld be well over and he can wholeheartedly accompany her during her short stay here. but still, we all know all good things will become mere memories, someday.

.just started this blogging thing, a little late i guess, but heck i'm always slow. my prv behindsanity journal was gone. wrote one article, and returned months later only to find the server is gone