shit... what have i done? i think of my twelve years of academic pursuit, this is the very first time i lost my temper at a teacher... and i didn't mean to do it. it's like this. got a bronze for napfa for three times (silver is a pass) and each time was so close to a silver. like first time pass all, but pullup did 3, second time pass all, but jump missed by 3 cm, then yesterday did 4.5 pullup... was like so stressed about this. the thought of ptp really puts me off. and the fact that i could have passed it if i had put in just a bit more effort for 3 times.. i felt so depressed. and today is like the final chance of taking, but thing is it cut into my chem prac, a test that has a 1.5 hr duration and ppl complaining they can't finish it on time... i sped through and completed in 45 minutes. thought i could leave just that since it was the last period of the time, but my teacher asked me where i was going. i thought of some cock excuse of having a dental appointment and she obviously wasn't convinced.. made me get blue slip and etc.. was panicking.. what if i was late for the test? i'm dead man. and when she refused to sign that was the last straw... i crumpled up the blue slip and stomped out of the class.. man i really regret it now. feel like telling her.. that it's not her, but rather me, that got me so worked up just now. yea i will.. in my apology letter tmr. oh yea btw i got a silver for napfa. woohoo! got that elusive silver! damn happy... yea. now that a ton load of fear and stress has been taken off me, i can think of what has happened so far in a rational mind. yea it's really time i should stop getting worried and thinking about how my life sucks. i was thinking... it was so unfair that i couldnt get that silver for so many times when i could've. why was i so stupid. etc. and then... i finally passed.. i looked back and realised that maybe it's good that i only passed now, because if not i would probably slack until end of year. maybe it isn't such a bad thing after all. then i think of the people around me. a bunch of nice teachers... yea really nice (most of the time.) parents who practically let me do everything but still care for me the most. friends who are patient enough to listen to my self-important whines and help in any way they can. take this napfa for example. yesterday upon seeing my distraught face, my mom bought my favourite meal, and my dad offered to give me a few hundred bucks to spend in the two weeks after a levels before i go into ptp (cuz at that time i still failed) and i wouldnt have passed if not for help from a shit lot of people. like my jump... lincoln lik man teng hwee kheng seng zhongyang and miss poon gave me really valuable advice on jumping. while qingxiang zhipeng yauhong isaac encouraged me throughout the whole thing... yea relaly thanks guys =) my life is good. yea and today something very stupid happened to me. i was over the moon about this pass, and went back to change into sch u. suddenly i realised that someone had swopped my pants. if it fitted nicely i wouldnt really care but it was so huge that when i lift them up they reach m lungs and when i dropped them they fell to the bottom of my hips. was walking in the whole canteen searching for a pair of hopeful pants that could belong to me with the canoeists roaring with laughter. embarrassed i left for the concourse, lamented to a few people, and reached for my wallet in the pocket... and realised that the wallet indeed was same design as mine, but it certainly didn't belong to me. opened it up, and checked the id. frank chen.the guy i was talking to at that moment. thinking he couldve taken the wrong pants cuz we had the same wallet, we went to change and see. he was wearing his pants alright, but the owner of my pants was still unknown. even weirder was how frank's wallet that looked exactly like mine, could end up in this pants pocket. just as i was feeling very puzzled i heard someone talking outside that he couldnt fit into the pants... went out and bingo i got back my pants. turned out that ryan took my pants away. had a good laugh after that before i went home. will write an apology letter to ms chua now. hope she understands though. my feelings yesterday and today was really hard to put in words... just like.... that time in embassy. yea. but it's all over. life is good. heh. =) And love is all that I need, And I found it there in your heart It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven

you have this feeling that if given the chance to stand on top of the mountain and scream out, as loudly as you can, the truth you want to be made known to the rest... you would not take it, because you know no one will be moved. what you are.. is wrongly ingrained in the minds of everyone else. but wait. you should feel flattered actually, that they have hugely exaggerated your intelligence. which makes them doubt your stupidity if you happen to be stupid for once.. heh. one can't help lacking those grey matter in his brain though. for your case, you really shouldnt blame yourself.

There will always to be a heartache, and often a silent tear. But always a precious memory of the days when you were here. "As long as we live, you too will live. for you are now a part of us, as we remember you..." you know the first time i saw you, at the j1 bbq in east coast, you were saying how your mortal did not write to you at all, and i sheepishly revealed that i am that lazy mortal, and you slapped me on the back, playfully, with mock annoyance. when i apologised you beamed a smile back at me, saying it's ok, make sure you write to me tmr! i didn't. i thought you wun mind since you were joking. actually you always were the joking one, so it really took me aback when i realised. you know that was the only time we had a conversation, but it was enough to make me like you, as the cheerful and helpful girl. everyone who knows you loves you so much. i sincerely hope that you are happy now that you've gone to be with Him. God Bless You.

sometimes i wonder why everything i do i always end up looking stupid. i don't enjoy looking stupid. does anyone even know that...

wah after a great shower i feel much better. darn fucking stupid of me to sleep in my room the whole night with windows and door closed and the air-con not turned on. woke up sweating like shit, and of all days i had no time to bathe today.. rushed to school... i think its been so long since i could smell my stench (except after pe lessons) and the cologne i borrowed frm zp simply made things worse.. the whole day i reeked of a strange concoction of cologne/sweat/urea/ammonia/some other funny smell of butanedioic acid (yes i know i'm gross =P) and was too distracted to even pay attention today.. so much for the first day of the week that i promised myself to start taking homework seriously.. skipped pe for the second time of the year to help my dad do something.. wonder why everyone thinks i'm ponning.. though i may not have gone thru the hectic canoeing/rugby/odac trainings, but ..eh surely i'm not that slack rite. nothing interesting or anywhere close happened, though i was really amused by the fact that isaac had released a family of mosquitoes in the staff room (on the grounds that he hates all teachers). seriously can't figure anyone else who can even think of doing such a thing.. lol.. There's gotta be more to life... Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me Cause the more that I'm... Tripping out thinking there must be more to life Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more Than wanting more

this weekend is... damn boring, and man gotta bear with this for some weeks more... yesterday was my medical checkup.. not bad, met a few guys there frm my sch.. got assigned a pes d cuz of my loose ligaments, most probably will end up with a pes b.. which is like the middle of nowhere. (pes a is honourable class while pes c is slack class) and a few lucky dudes (like zhipeng and edison) are gonna get pes e in which, i think, are lighter than np trainings cuz of their injuries. can go home everyday leh... wah i'm so jealous =P -sigh- then spent the whole afternoon at macs with zy at harbourfront studying. trying to study. yeap and took the nel for the first time. finally, realised that the interchange looks rather futuristic (reminds me of the matrix reloaded part where there are lotsa escalators and metal floors.. think minority report has one such scene too) with the power-conserving escalators and driverless trains.. today went to watch wrong turn.. argh... everyone agreed that it's a stupid show unanimously. so do i. only that i agree for e diff reason. ppl say it has no plot/too gross while i on the other hand thinks its not scary at all, and insufficient violence. theres this scene where the axe flew on the girls head, causing the part of the body below her nose to slide down leaving the top part of her head embedded on the axe, or the one where the guys use chainsaw to saw off the arms legs and head of a victim with barbed wire pulled deeeeep into her mouth. and many more. but i feel its not enough. (been desensitized from all those downloaded violent movies that are otherwise banned here. heh.) or maybe because the crowd in the show is far from co-operative. this bunch of idiots in front of me seem to find every scene funny. when the girl walks into the house asking 'is anyone home', one guy yelled out 'i'm here' and burst out laughing. in the middle of the goddamn show. and then when a girl dreamt that she was killed and woke up in fright he went 'oh dear u had a nightmare!' and started his laughing fits again. and when an arrow was shot into a policeman's eye rather unexpectedly, the whole row burst out laughing and the guy kept mimicking that scene repeatedly. you get the idea.. reminded me of what isaac told me before.. when he was watching the hulk and this guy kept talking on the phone during a important part, saying how nice the show is and reporting whats going on the screen to the other party... furious, isaac turned arnd and yelled "fuck la you got manners or not" shutting the guy up. but that made a family leave the cinema thinking that a gang fight might result. i actually wanted to do that but seeing that we were severely outnumbered i just tried to ignore them as best as i could. failed. first thing i see on irc when i reached home... <*******> Are u young chinese boy and also a yandaokia or ah beng or lengzai or guwazai or handsome boy or sexy boy or cool motorbiker or cute basketball boy or paikia or badboy or street fighter or gangster or rocker or cool dancer or japster with nice hairstyle or long-hair shuai ge or kimmoh or tattooSiao or cool beachboy or sexy skaterboy or cool hiphop dancer or sexy techno dancer or pretty boy or young cute boyboy or chiongster or look like JAY <*******> U wanna earn $$$$$ to be my sugarboy/secret lover/male prostitute and letting me -censored- plus other fun!!! Email your self pics and particulars to *******@********* to grab this great lobang!!! dunno whether to be amused or grossed out..

wow... so fast and those physics sessions are over, i just had my last session this afternoon. was i supposed to feel happy or what, but how come my physics standard seem to be stagnant since the start of these sessions.. i realised i haven't been learning anything productive so far and yes i have wasted some 40 hrs of my llife this yr (20 sessions in all) bummed arnd with a few friends in the hall after that playing some 'recreational' badminton. after arnd half an hour, i seriously think that the four of us can make it into the school team (yea right!) but ok la its quite fun.. ok my entry seems to be getting nowhere now... wait. here goes my main objective of writing today... (clears throat) i think i may have annoyed many people these days. i dunno.. i just feel it. not only that ppl are annoyed, but that i also know that i'm just not myself sometimes.. like.. since the start of the sch term? really sorry to those who may find me to be some kind of idiot, i really dunno how to behave appropriately at times when i'm at the bottom section of my mood swing (though i don't usually show it or tell ppl that i'm sad today) and may be quite a bastard... hey i'm trying to change also.. yea.. gimme some time.. thanks. you know it isn't right to put people down, but you still do it. you are trying to prove something that even you cannot comprehend, at the expense of yourself. you know sometimes it may not be the right time to say something, not even nice things, but you just dunno how to keep your mouth shut. you're concerned, but what help will you be able to offer? if there's nothing you can do its best to shut up and let things carry on the way it is supposed to. you know it isn't right to blame people for anything that doesnt go right on your way, shouldnt channel your frustration on your friends just because you're in a bad mood. you know it isn't right to ... prove that you're right all the time. how do you even know you're right? ... when most of the time you're not. really sometimes i feel like i'm so tactless... (like the things that i said to a friend on the bus trip home today) and brainless.. ahhh what the hell i'm so confused.

just spent like one hour looking for my medical questionnaire when i realised i could've printed it. -duh!- now in a rather annoyed mood because i felt like i just wasted my time, but still have to waste just a little bit more (on blogging =p) heard the girls did quite well for track this time.. gratz.. i spent like the whole afternoon looking for this computer stuff for liou, and managed to buy one at a cheap price of $38. was hanging arnd in bugis for some 5 hrs. on the way i went past this hairdresser shop which was empty (and i desperately need to cut my hair by end of this week) so i decided to give it a shot. after that it was yauhong's turn to have his hair cut and i think they might charge $1 more for jc students so i lied to them that we were sec 4. and then something really stupid happened to me. Hairdresser: They said they are sec 4 guys but they look like jc ppl to me.. Woman: THey are sec 4 guys... People who wear all white with long pants are secondary school guys! I think they are from Nanyang (Girls High?!) Hairdresser: Nanyang's uniform is all white but don't think its this design.. i think they're from victoria. Woman: (to us) Hey which school are you all studying in? Me: Um.. sji (the first sec sch that occurred to me with all white uniform) Woman: Ohhhh... sji... i see..... Me: (relieved) Woman: I heard that Brother Kenny is not heading the school anymore, yea? Me: (what?!) Umm yea he isn't around already, he left... Woman: So who's the new principal? Me: (shit.) Er... Lim, I think. Woman: Do you know the full name? Me: (almost wanted to say Boon Keng but stopped in time) I'm sorry i duno the full name. Woman: (in an obviously mock horrified tone) Oh God! You don't know the name of your principal?.... Oh god..... Zy: (covering his face with a magazine trying to hide his laughter) Yauhong: What the heal?! Had quite a good laugh after that... about my stupid behaviour. good thing the haircut was satisfactory.. heh.

what a day.. i just woke up... no la din sleep until 6.30.. i woke up at like 6 in the morning to do some flag day with teng hwee.. it's my second flag day i've done in my life and will probably be the last i hope; it's really the most mundane and killer way to spend your cip hours! (if you choose not to slack away of course) found a very strrategic place to ask ppl to donate (hiding on the path beside a bus stop which was covered by bushes) so we actually could get rather good response, compared to the previous time i did. yar and then i went back home and slept at 3 until now... i figured i shouldnt waste my time like this from now on... like i just missed my fren's sms to ask me to go run with him, which i would probably be doing now had i been awake. everybody must know that the 'terror' video has been on the news all over the place now. it was funny.. until now, like my fren has said. not trying to be a prude or a hypocrite here, but i really wonder if the media should even report it. i mean, it concerns the teacher's reputation.. and she's really innocent seriously. there's nothing wrong with tearing a piece of work apart in the perspective of the teachers. ok if my work is being torn apart i'll be fucking pissed and probably spend the rest of my life cussing the teacher away whenever her name is being mentioned but that's not the point, not whether i'm gonna curse her or not, but whether i deserve such treatment or not. if i never put in effort (which i know i will not admit to though deep in my heart i know it) then i guess i deserve it. so maybe the student did not put in effort, but then agian he's been rather busy these days and i'm sure he doesn't mean to cause his work quality to be sub-standard. so although it is not his fault, the teacher still shouldnt be blamed for tearing it. he will be able to take it, we're all grown ups c'mon. am i saying this because it is not happening to me? not at all. it happened to me countless times in primary school. apart from that, i have encountered primary school teachers who throw chalk at anyone who even dared to open his mouth during her lessons; teachers who use chalk and draw all over the person; teachers who made students stand on their chair for 2 hours (i'm one of them); teachers who made students carry the chairs on their backs for the whole day (i'm one of them too); teachers who call me a sparstic kid, tear up my work and threw them out of the classroom. and not surprisingly none of us made a sound or even complained to our parents. and i feel that the teachers that i have encountered have really gone too far, considering we were primary school kids. but they are not persecuted at all, and a jc teacher is now being blamed for tearing a piece of work? so my point is that media shouldnt have blown this up that big... reporting news at the expense of the reputation of an innocent person is quite bad i think. ok maybe they have to report it, to warn the others of the dangers of pdas video phones and the like, but i read the straits times and they even show images from the video itself.. the school has chosen not to name her, but who cannot recognise from the picture.. ? the poor student's picture is also on the papers, and he is another innocent person being dragged into this. i hope everything ends well. i must admit the video was very funny... just a bit of harmless prank being played, until the media discovered it and let the whole country know about it. hope the person who did the filming doesnt get into trouble too.. i'm sure he din mean things to end up like this.. -shrugs-.

got back my ct results... i think i did not too badly, though i know all the teachers and some of the students will think otherwise. bbcc.. not too bad rite.. haha.. esp its a marked improvement from the deef which i got exactly one yr ago. this week really have nothing going on that is even worth mentioning and why do i think that the weeks to come will be the same. while i have nothing that is constructive to do these days, people arnd me are busy with lots of stuff.. like say the canoeists who are training their hearts out for the season which shld begin in two weeks time, and not forgetting the track and swimming season which has already started. and then the rico and band have their syf rehearsals. me? i just watched twenty something taipei and young and dangerous.. man i shld be ashamed of myself. Now, don’t just walk away Pretending everything’s ok And you don’t care about me And I know there’s just no use When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care

www.newgrounds.com funny site.. lol had quite an adventure today, though i'm not sure if i'd even want to experience it at all... yea so before that me qx zy yh were eating at marche at suntec, and after a few sucky rounds of time crisis 3 isaac joined to watch full throttle and the show ended at arnd 11, which was sstill very early for us to catch a train. but on hearing that isaac wanted to take a cab me and yh felt lazy to run back to city link and all the towers of suntec, so we decided to take cab home as well.. but we obviously do not have much experience in going home by taxi from there, cuz we wandered off to some place that is impossible for us to find one. (we were impatient to wait at the taxi stand) and finally we found this bus stop, and decided to take a bus, but it was then we realised that the other direction does not have the bus we want to take (me and yh that is) so we left and fuck we ran back to suntec, and ran one big round too. and then we realised that it was closed and we were trapped outside. the security guards whom we asked for an alternative way to the mrt were far from helpful, one told us to go right another told us to go left and we eventually found ourselves back in where we started. and even if we managed to find it it was past midnight and i doubt there'll be any train running at that time. and we -sigh- shared a cab home. and we couldve saved the cab fee if we had been thinking straight... noted a few ironies there, firstly, we had decided to take a cab home cuz we were lazy to walk from eng wah suntec to city hall mrt and in the end we ended up running around the place. also, isaac had initially wanted to take a cab home while we wanted to take train. and in the end he was the only one who did not take a cab.. and by the time we found our cab he was alreayd at home.. hmm.. hope this is a lesson learnt..

the dreaded cts are over at last, i think its gonna be quite badly done, as ive said, i was very distracted this hols.. the past week is rather fast moving.. and i want this weekend to be a slow one so i can relish every single moment of it before the reuslts are released on tuesday. didn't do anything much this week, and did nothing much today either... after the chem paper a few of us went sakae to eat, then nigel left and we went to watch dumb and dumberer which has to be the worst show i've watched this year after johnny english, then terence left and we stayed in coffee bean and talked shit for hours, then isaac left and we went kino and browsed through some interesting books, then yau hong left and we (me and zy) went to have dinner and walked aimlessly in various shops for awhile... a day that is very unwisely spent, but i enjoyed it.. haha! juz got harry potter from zy.. gonna read a few chapters before i call it a day..