boss drove me and loo to ssdc this lunchtime to sign up for btt. don't talk about passing prac, or even passing btt, just now i almost failed the registration! thanks to the loose specs i was wearing that made me unable to see some signs during the eyesight test. the test was hell! the examiner was like, "sorry i can't let you register, you have to see clearly in your specs. or would you like to borrow your fren's?" that will be even worse, since loo's power is around 500 while mine is a outstanding 800. i kept asking to take the test again. second time, almost smoked through.. after the first few correct tries, came upon this damn blur slide. the tester was asking, this sign facing left or right? i went "left... or isit right? wait, i think it's up! yea, that's it. up!" ok.... and the next? "um... right." "right? you sure?" "no! wait.. left! it's left!" -_- third time, i finally passed it. pushed my specs up against my face closer. got everything correct on first try. all final decisions.... yay. something to be proud of lol. don't worry, i'm a safe citizen. IF (very iffy) i get my P plate i'll make sure i change my specs. anyway, the test will be held two months later... and you think saf is slow.

had a horrible morning in ops duty yesterday. i was being scolded, very harshly, for "no reason at all". as i have mentioned before, the ops WO has a strong prejudice against me for being a blur cock. fine, i am probably more hazed than the average person, but boy, am i trying very hard to change that. my utmost best, in fact, until it stresses me out. and just when i thought i had everything in control, he has to topple my newly-built confidence, and make me feel like a fuck again. that is what disturbs me, much more than the fact that he thinks i'm useless and a piece of dirt, now and then wondering why the hell i ended up in rj in the first place and telling other people about what he thinks of me. even up til now, i'm still not sure whether i have done enough or not. i tell people about it, people say, well, it's part of life huh, you have to grow up and start being more alert yah. but there's this little part of the brain in me that makes me question, at times, ain't i alert enough already? or what? can't you see that i'm fucking trying to be? i don't know what level of alertness defines alert, and people refuse to let me know either. hence, i'm forever a blur cock, the most hated character in the army (esp by the superiors). believe me, it isn't nice to be one. i'm very confused. somehow i just blanked out with every thing he interrogated me about. oh, i can go on ranting about how his instructions are vague (at least to me) but truth is, i'm not sure whether that's true or not. maybe it's a LITTLE more reassuring to know that at least i understand the superiors in my own branch well. just a little... scenario (and this is just one of the many i encountered the past months doing stuff with him): 21st jan doing duty, i asked the duty personnel of 20th jan, who's known as Mr. Big, if there's any further instructions for me, meaning any outstanding stuff for me to settle. he briefed me on a few matters, and said that's about it. sounds ok? i mean, i know my job of the day, and what i should do, and plan to do it well. no, it isn't. he has to call, and ask me about 20th jan's matters. drats! i didn't even think of asking Mr Big about yesterday's matters! i told him, initially "i dunno." bad move. -curses from the earpiece- "sir, it should be fine actually, i-" couldn't finish my sentence. not with a whole new string of loud curses and deprecating words coming out through the earpiece. "sir, but i've asked Mr Big before, he said the rest he should settle already, ...." again, another string of VERY unpleasant scoldings. fuck, blur, cock being the most commonly used words. this is personal verbal abuse, no longer military disciplining. so how? he said, EVEN THOUGH i was told there are no more further instructions, that is not enough. i should have asked Mr Big about the matters on 20th Jan. that made sense to me, eventually. but i wouldn't think about it if he didn't tell me. i don't see the need to, why should i when i already know what i'm supposed to do for the day? why can't he just fucking ask me for the number of Mr Big, and call him up himself? -simmers- and what saddens me more is the fact that NOT everything is settled actually, but Mr Big had told the duty officer of 21st Jan about the problems, and he's supposed to settle them. (that's his job anyway.) he didn't tell me about that. probably he doesn't trust my instinct, that's why. i msged Mr Big about this, feeling damn pissed off. he called me to console me, and tell me it's not my fault, but rather it's the way i talked to the Ops WO. "is this xxxx matter settled yesterday?" "err... (cuz i didn't ask what happened yesterday), i'm not sure.. i-" "why you not sure, you blur fuck? (*^#)*$&(@#*()$" "i'll ask my officer about-" "don't come and tell me about (*&@#(%)*&#$@%*(...." Mr Big told me i'm supposed to "smoke" through, even if i dunno, i'm supposed to say i know, or at least discreetly say how i'm gonna get the information. that's how he got away with the harsh treatment from the WO. but somehow i'm not convinced with his advice. and i probably destroyed my friendship with him so far, spending the whole day asking him questions via sms because i became really really paranoid. as much as i try to better myself, asking for further instructions, trying to make sense of what i am doing, i just don't seem to be doing enough. is it really me, or is it just him having a biased judgment on me, together with the rest of the people who know me? and guess what? i'll make sure i drown my sorrows tonight.

hotel rwanda has to be the best show i've watched this year... it's everything powerful, moving, and brings an important message, as well as hope to mankind. sigh, my super long weekend is broken into two with my ops duty tomorrow. the dmso and ops personnel i'm doing with (non-prev-med) aren't really my ideal ops buddies either. but for a friend (and ex-schoolmate), i'll do it with 110% willingness. :)

workplace today sucks. i'm not sure if it's because of the rather fogged out experience i had doing duty yesterday, or that i keep receiving conflicting instructions from both sides of the office. i admit my management skills is abysmal though, spending most of the time figuring out how to even begin the tasks given to me.

looking forward to the super-duper long weekend. not entirely pleasant, sad to say... list of things to do include the springcleaning i promised my mom, a tuition session, and a trip to ssdc - registration for my btt.

it's hard to avoid judging others, but the least we can do is try. to each his own, but i have to say the set of beliefs that are ingrained in some, such as a certain race always has violent tendencies and a lower intelligence, is rather appalling.

Analyze your handwriting at www.handwritingwizard.com ******* The Analysis Starts Here ******* For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Yong has left lots of white space on the right side of the paper and the writing seems to be moving leftward as it creeps down the page. If this is true, then Yong has an unhealthy relationship to something in the present and has a fear of moving forward. The right side of the page represents the future and Yong seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future.? Yong seems to be clinging to past events, withdrawing, and spending lots of time thinking about what happened or what might happen in the future. It would be best to leave the past behind and move on. Stop crowding that left margin and face his demons. Yong has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people. Yong is selective when picking friends. He does not trust everyone. He has a select group of people that are truly close to him, usually two or three. He is careful when choosing his inner circle of friends. Something is incomplete in Yong's life. He feels frustration relating to his physical needs and desires. Somewhere in his life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Yong's sexual needs. Yong is having a lack of physical energy at the time this handwriting was written. If someone has very short and straight down lower loops (like in the y or g), this indicates this person's physical drive (activity or sex) is compromised. Usually, this indicates the person simply isn't interested in getting too physical right now. This could be a temporary mood which often happens when the body is sick and is healing. Or, this could be a result of an emotional or physical issue that is effecting Yong 's energy level and interest in sex. Sex doesn't seem to be a priority at the moment. Yong is very self-sufficient. He is trying not to need anyone. He is capable of making it on his own. He probably wants and enjoys people, but he doesn't "need" them. He can be a loner. Yong is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time. Yong is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Yong basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average. In reference to Yong's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Yong slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Yong can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip. Yong will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it! Yong will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Yong believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride. Yong is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes. Yong will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Yong an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Yong is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Yong is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue. People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Yong doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others. Yong has a desire for attention. People around Yong will notice this need. He may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on his own character. not very accurate, eh? (some parts are, but not all...)

can anyone be more suay than this.... having a bird shit on your uniform, of all ppl in the unit, during first parade on the parade square, with not a single vegetation in sight? and what could be worse than standing in the front row, and having everyone behind you trying to stifle their laughter (but failed, cuz i can hear them clearly), and almost got caught by the RSM for saying "FUCK" upon realizing the truth? (ok, at least i wasn't caught by the RSM..) hence, i decided to buy 4D today! :) 3 numbers - namely the date of incident, time of incident, and the last set of 4 digits selected by me from a set of small squarish papers containing different numerical digits courtesy of liwei. WITS today was rather embarrassing too (argh), but then again our idea itself was funny in the first place - to carry a joss stick when inspecting camps because the smoke can tell us the direction of air flow. hahahahaha!!! finally, i am actually quite glad that i am at least doing a little bit for them, even though i may not be there physically. for once, doing stuff in the middle of night for a meaningful cause....

Everloving - moby the track that made me watch requiem for a dream that subsequently became one of my fave shows of all time. anyway, we shouldn't "tau pok" each other. it's bad for our health, although no one has really been injured before. but it's still bad for our health, because many health experts say so.

a lil late to set up my new years resolution, and also resolutions aren't expected to be followed anyway, but i'll still write down what i'd wish to achieve this yr. no guarantees... 1) to get my driving licence ... ok i don't forsee myself passing on first few tries, after hearing from mingde about how he failed the first two times because of vertical parking. and that zy's uncle passed after the 8th try and that my own uncle failed even after the 8th try and etc. but at least a pass in BTT and ATT shouldnt be too hard, huh! 2)to get a motor boat licence. hahaha, i dunno, sounds quite fun, but costs about $200 to learn the course. and it takes a lot of effort (for me) to just get up and register. 3)gain some much-needed weight. :) 4) learn advanced diving! need to overcome my fears for Night Diving though, where i heard you practically can't see anything apart from the plankton in front of your flashlight. apart from that, also need to find the correct opportunity. maybe go with yauhong when he has his second yr break or something. 5)exercise more. (my resolution since eons ago but never really fulfilled) 6) be more aware and alert! or, to quote the OPS WO in my unit, "stop being such a blur fuck!" that's all for now.... may add more when i think of more. again, no guarantees. :D

from the looks of it, it seems that i won't get chosen after all. but ah well, the rest are definitely more eager than me, probably by ten folds. so i can only say they deserve this opportunity more than i do. it's been quite a busy weekend for me. was at cine for three days in a row. spent twenty bucks on our class gathering on seoul garden (ate as much meat as i could to get my money's worth) before we just ambled about the streets aimlessly. i think the conversation between me and teng hwee is really stupid and pointless. but funny nonetheless! :) saturday, went shopping with zhongyang, or rather, followed zhongyang on his shopping. sorry man, i still think your reason for buying the pink polo-t is unacceptable. (i saw my friend wearing it yesterday, and i wanna try if it looks good on me or not.) but trust me, buying that plastic covering for your ipod was a wise choice! after that, went to watch some adultery show with mingde.... (it was only 90 minutes but we both agreed it seemed way longer than 2 hrs. speaks a lot for the pace of the show.) then, it's my first sultan nights out of the yr! guess what, for the first time, i was the poorest amongst those with me yesterday. which also meant i spent less. watched the aviator with yizhuan and shiqing today, met yz after he left for the states half a year ago. glad to see he's doing well though. also, bought a hard-cover harry potter order of phoenix at borders. for $8!!! like, boy am i glad i didn't buy it when it was first released. drats. first parade at parade square tomor. with inspections by rsm on bearing and turnout. just cut my hair, time to kiwi my boots and shave my beard.

welcome to the planet! welcome to existence! everyone's here, everyone's here.... what happens next, what happens next??? i dare you to move ! i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!!!! welcome to the fallout! welcome to resistance! tension is here, the tension is here... between WHO YOU ARE and WHO YOU COULD BE.. between HOW IT IS and HOW IT SHOULD BE.. what happens next, what happens next...? i dare you to move! i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!!!! .. where can you run... to escape from yourself? where you gonna go when salvation is here? it's been one year where i tell myself it should suffice that i sprawl on the floor. feeling every inch of my body in contact with the cold hard ground. should the ground moves, i'll let it carry me wherever it goes. and guess what, chances are i'll do it for another year. LOL!!!!

hey i added comments function!!! a bit late for a two plus year old blog, and probably won't make much of a different there, but, still, fun fun!!

just returned home from rika's house. it was one of the rare occasions where all of "us": heather rika hanboon me isaac are in singapore and free at the same time, so it's indeed a moment to remember. haha, from the looks of it, everyone's achieved much since the last time we met. rika seemed to have a busy but probably enjoyable time in berkeley, and heather from cambridge. hb returned from community service in cambodia while isaac's chionging his licence now if not bumming with his friends during the hols haha. somehow, i felt really distant from them. they're like confident folks now; and i must say i was never a confident person, but at least in the past i had the ability to .. should i say, express. just now, i had nothing to say. or i just didn't feel like saying anything. i've become so.. different from them. there goes my mood swings. overall we had a fun time, seriously, han boon's camera has amazing features!