woo.. first day of the recess week! my attempts at steering my life back into "normalcy" resulted in the following: in reverse chronological order.. my first ever driving lesson. apart from that brief stunt i performed to control nicky's steering wheel while he was talking on the handphone and that time i was allowed to move a car around under reverse gear in perth, i never really "drove" a car before until today. but being someone who takes things for granted, after concluding that my instructor isn't a particularly fierce one (through a series of hp conversations), i decided not to study at all, and went straight for the lesson, not even knowing which pedal belongs to the accelerator and what the clutch is for! but the instructor didn't really scold me; still, obviously i'm not going to push the limit. the next time i'll study before the lesson, but just hope that my lack of psychomotor skills won't annoy him too much. met up with qingxiang and zhongyang for sort of a "final" dinner before qingxiang goes to oxford to study law. actually, it's not really a final dinner, considering he may return in december which is just a couple of months from now. and as usual, time passed by fast and before we knew it we spent two hours talking cock. and with his departure, it's only zy, yauhong and i, among this clique, left in singapore. whilst not so long ago i'll feel extremely sad and envious about it, i have since learnt to let go.. (well, to some extent.) tried to take an afternoon nap. yes, i give myself permsision to do so because i was so lethargic the whole day. but realised i didn't have enough time for other stuff. watched a couple of comedies on youtube and utorrent, while at the same time trying to make sense out of math and chemistry. bleah... this is one thing which i failed terribly today. math and chemistry is still like latin and greek to me, esp. for math. and despite my lack of proficiency in it, i'm still studying at an incredibly inefficient rate, what with all the distractions around. maybe i should have stayed in hall. tomorrow doesn't look particularly inviting to me as well, what with an extra tuition session and fencing training (which is getting really annoying) which will take up almost half my day. and - reality check - math exam is next monday!! hmm.. i'll get back to my books after an episode of "undergrads".

i'm in a dilemma now. for the past three weeks or so i've been pondering about the issue of salvation. being a non-believer (for now), i can still view different versions of this idea with an objective point of view. i've been hanging out with a group of christian friends quite often these days, mostly protestants, and some are charismatics within the protestant denomination. (err, i think i got my facts right.) for those who have been talking to me, they should know that i'm having some sort of weird crisis situation now. hence i've been told to start going to church and accept Him in my heart. once i believe, i will be saved; i will be grateful and serve Him faithfully. so far, there was one comment i've received which i didn't take it very well, until now. i was told that the so-called goddess of mercy altar in my living room is actually a demon from hell. this is one of the tenets in the Bible which emphasizes that there is only one true God, which is the Christ himself. i was depressed, went home thought about it for a very long time. i tried to compromise the situation, by saying it may not be a true God, but it doesn't necessarily need to be a demon from hell right? i mean, buddha himself did exist, but just that he is only human. it couldn't work. it still goes against the fundamental protestant belief. i just can't imagine my parents worshipping the demon - the thought is just too depressing to take. i also can't take the fact that every non-believer (including myself, but most importantly, the other people) is, so-called, not "saved". i can't even bear to type out the apocalyptic consequence for not believing. i asked one of my friend who assured me with the following phrase from Acts 16: 30, 31. “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.” which meant that my parents will be saved as well if i believe! for a brief moment i was overjoyed; it seemed my dilemma was fixed (well, at least for my family) but i was sceptic, and did a bit more research and realised that this statement does not hold true for there are many other verses that obviously state that only letting Christ into your heart and living a life faithful to Him will ensure your salvation. i called my friend; but to be blunt, he is of not much help at all. all he said is to ask me to go convert everyone i love and pray that they will be saved. i'm not that optimistic. firstly, i was very touched by my parents' acceptance when i told them that i may convert in the near future. (i remembered them being angry when i went for sunday school in my primary school days.) my mom simply told me "all religions are equal. they ask you to do good and be a just person. there's nothing wrong with you going to church!" but on one condition - i must never condemn their religion and accuse their gods for being false gods. i agreed in a moment of happiness. but i should have realised that should i convert it is my obligation to say this to them...? my point is. my parents are nice enough to allow me to believe whatever i want, but they are also too firm in their beliefs to change. i know that too well... i lived with them for 21 years. so one way out is to pray for them. i know it's never possible to ask for exchange in position between them and i when we all die; it's never mentioned in the bible that it's possible, and this view may even be demonic. what about praying for them? and hoping that He will forgive everyone as long as they are good people. slowly, i concocted a belief which i didn't tell my friends for i knew they will rebutt the moment i say out. i need a God that is all-loving (yes, i know He is already all-loving, but i need one that will not condemn someone to ... just because he is a non-believer.) while not all believers are saved, it is also the case that not all non-believers will be condemned. He is fair and just, and will judge a person Himself; we have no position in judging who is to be saved or who is to be condemned. however, as soon as i thought this will work out, i'm being gunned down again. cuz in the protestant view, a christian is only saved by the belief that the Lord is his saviour (esp. the Calvinism school of thought), and hence it is inferred that this belief is much more important than doing good deeds. this made me depressed. which then triggered my memory of what jo said to me of the roman catholic's idea of salvation. i went to wikipedia and checked on it and this paragraph verified what jo said: "The Catholic Church teaches that through the graces Jesus won for humanity by sacrificing himself on the cross, salvation is possible even for those outside the visible boundaries of the Church. Christians and even non-Christians, if in life they respond positively to the grace and truth that God reveals to them through the mercy of Christ may be saved. This may include awareness of an obligation to become part of the Catholic Church. In such cases, "they could not be saved who, knowing that the Catholic Church was founded as necessary by God through Christ, would refuse either to enter it, or to remain in it."[17]" then i also remembered my friend telling me about how catholic's view of salvation is being judged by work, which means good deeds take first priority - and this is a major difference between the two schools of thought. and he immediately "dismissed" the catholic idea of salvation. i went on to search in the net, and found this site with a starting statement that accurately reflects what i have been bothered about all these while: "Won't heaven's joy be spoiled by our awareness of unsaved loved ones in hell?" thinking that there may be a good answer that satisfies me, i read on. only to be greeted with the following paragraphs which i think most christians will accept. "In heaven, glorifying God and thanking him for everything will always absorb us. All our love for and joy in others who are with us in heaven will spring from their doing the same, and love and pity for hell's occupants will not enter our hearts. Their hell will not veto our heaven. Granted, this sounds to us more like hard-heartedness than Christlikeness, yet Christlikeness is precisely what it will be. Our difficulty is that we cannot now conceive the heavenly condition in a full way." a huge difficulty indeed. to be honest i have been trying my best to communicate with Him despite being a non-believer. and i think He has been giving me signs, and even helping me sometimes. but it is really difficult to accept Him if there is something about Him which i cannot agree upon. my view may be wrong, in a "universal" sense. but i don't think it is wrong for now. in fact, my depression is very real that it is almost tangible. i can't love someone who doesn't want to save the rest of my loved ones. now i have to stick to the unorthodox belief that everyone else may be wrong. He is so powerful and all-loving that He will easily forgive. what's more important is that He will judge everyone, case by case, without an biaseness. the two places still exist, but we are in no position to decide who will go where. even in the Book of Revelations, which is the only prophetic book in the bible, i have some doubts with the person who wrote it. 22: 15 of Revelations in particular. it makes me really angry. my exam is in two days time and i am in no mood to study at all.

The Sun - representing vitality and life force, splendor and hope! :)

wow it's been quite a while since i last updated. been rather busy since school starts - gotta find time to study, attempt to lift dumbbells, fencing training, tuition, anonymous support group meetings for depressed people (!!!) and for last week, i spent almost everyday out to play. i dyed my hair an ash purple, only to find the colour gone in two days after i carelessly rinsed it in hot water. -_-. then i went ktv, went to watch a movie, and went clubbing. i kept consoling myself hey c'mon it's just the second week and since i can catch up for now, may as well play! and soon, i'm going to start having driving lessons. will i be able to cope? when they say it's wise to go for orientation, they are right. given the different schedules everyone has, it is so difficult to make new friends! esp. so for a non-boarding person. everyone has different schedules.. true, as a class we get to attend a few tutorials together. but to make things worse; i can only join my class for one tutorial a week because for the rest of the modules i am forced to attend with other classes, or even with senior classes, due to timetable conflicts caused by the chem science programme. i only just realised yesterday that one of my classmates is also in fencing, and he's equally clueless about it. now the people i hang out with are the chem science people. at least we have *some* modules in common. and as for a particularly module, known as biodiversity in singapore, i can only think of myself taking it. because it's a new module, has its own risks, and not many people share the same interest in animals like i do. (it's like! a module made for people like me! may work with lecturers who discovered new species, or graduate students who appeared in newspapers cuz they realised that porcupines exist in singapore!!) yea.. apart from all these, there's nothing much to update.